What Families Wish They Knew Before Planning a Memorial
When families look back on planning a memorial or celebration of life, many say the same thing:
“I wish I had known I had more choices.”
I’ve felt that, too. Even with a background in designing and delivering events, when my mom passed, grief still clouded our decision-making. We made choices with what information we had available at the time. Looking back, I see both what worked — and what I’d do differently if I had known more.
That experience is why The Unfinished List exists: to help families find clarity in the middle of grief so the day feels more like their person, and less like a package.
Here are 7 things families often wish they knew before planning a memorial — and how to approach them differently.
1. You Don’t Have to Choose the Standard Package
In the fog of grief, it’s easy to default to whatever the funeral home offers. But those packages are often expensive, inflexible, and don’t always feel like your person.
Try this: Before signing contracts, pause. Even a short outline of the tone, flow, and key details can save you from later regrets.
2. A Memorial Can Be Both Traditional and Personal
What worked for us was holding more than one moment. We had a structured memorial service in the chapel at the funeral home, followed by a relaxed meal at a nearby restaurant with my mother’s friends, colleagues, and our family. The next day, our immediate family gathered privately to spread her ashes along her favorite coast along Southern California. Together, those pieces felt complete — structured, but still personal.
Try this: If one gathering doesn’t feel like enough, consider layering the formal with the personal. A service can provide structure and closure, while smaller gatherings can give room for storytelling, connection, or honoring a loved one’s wishes.
3. The Venue Doesn’t Have to Be the Chapel
The chapel service gave us structure, but the restaurant gathering and the private ash scattering the next day felt equally meaningful. Looking back, I see how much freedom there really was to choose places that fit her story.
Try this: Think beyond the funeral home. Restaurants, outdoor spaces, backyards, gardens, or even a favorite view can all be part of a memorial weekend. The setting shapes the tone — choose one that feels like them.
4. Structure Helps Everyone Relax
My background in event design gave me the ability to create structure — not just for the service, but for the entire weekend. That framework made it easier for everyone to be present and not worry about what was coming next.
Try this: Even a simple outline of the day — who speaks when, where breaks fall, and how the gathering closes — creates calm and confidence for everyone involved.
5. Personal Touches Matter More Than Perfection
One of the best decisions we made was creating a personalized slideshow that told my mom’s story. The one included in the funeral home package felt generic — just photos on rotation. Ours included her favorite music and even voicemails she left us, and it felt like her.
Try this: Focus on a few small but meaningful touches. Music, photos, or favorite food can say more than trying to make everything “perfect.”
6. It’s Harder Without the Right Skills or Support
Looking back, I realize how much my background in design and coordination made a difference. Most families don’t have the time, tools, or creative skills to design keepsakes, build a meaningful slideshow, or coordinate vendors while grieving — and that’s okay. Without support, these details often default to generic templates or expensive packages.
Try this: If you don’t have those skills, lean on someone who does — whether that’s a family member, friend, or professional. The goal isn’t to do it all yourself; it’s to make sure the details feel personal without adding unnecessary stress.
7. You Don’t Have to Decide Everything Immediately
Grief adds pressure, but not every decision needs to happen in the first few days. Giving yourself space can lead to a more meaningful, personal day.
Try this: Secure essentials first. Then allow time to gather photos, choose music, invite speakers, or plan a separate celebration of life when you’re ready. A little breathing room often creates better choices.
Why This Matters
Every family I’ve spoken with says some version of the same thing:
“We just wanted the day to feel like them.”
That’s exactly why The Unfinished List exists: to help turn the lists you never expected to make into a memorial they deserve.
If you’re in the middle of making these decisions and want guidance that is calm, personal, and clear — we’re here to help.